Home > Grief, Infant loss, Stillbirth > Finding Your “New Normal”

Finding Your “New Normal”

Those of us that have experienced the loss of a child regardless of their gestation or age know all too well that ‘normal’ has ceased to exist as you knew it before.  And so the journey begins to find your own personal ‘new normal’ that you create to live in going forward.  Finding a way to honor your baby has helped many to create that new normal and yet move on without them.  The guest blog below is a story of one Mom doing just that.  Michelle Murray and her father Al Spence started Forever Heart Publishing to market the book Michelle created out of a need she had to document every possible detail of Tyler’s short life and she has experienced a sense of peace knowing her book has helped many others along the way.

Michelle Murrray

Michelle Murrray

Guest Blog by Michelle Murray

When I found out about my son’s heart problem at my 18 week ultrasound I was devastated and when my little baby boy Tyler subsequently died at seven weeks old my whole world fell apart.  The legacy of my son is a deeply touching story showing how resilience, love and wisdom of the human spirit can bring forward hope, healing, and new possibilities.  This story shows how something beautiful can come out of something so tragic. After the death of my son I probed, pondered and dissected what had happened and why it had happened.  It wasn’t until I went on to have three other children that I felt somewhat whole again.  During this time I was able to do all the things that you get to do as a Mother.  One of those things entails filling out a baby book of all your children’s firsts.  However while I was filling out the baby books I was heartbroken that I did not have one for Tyler.  He deserved a book of his very own.   I wanted something I could have to pass on from generation to generation.   It was important for me to have something tangible to remind me of Tyler.

FOREVERHEARTCOVER (2)I also had such a strong desire to do something in Tyler’s honor.  That is when I decided to create and self-publish “I Will Hold You In My Heart Forever… A baby book for little angels”.  My company name is Forever Heart Publishing.  Tyler has stretched my capacity to love far beyond what it used to be and I realized that there are a lot of mothers out there that are going through the same thing as I was.  The grief that is felt after losing a baby is by far one of the most profound griefs that can assault the human spirit.

Reading the email responses I have gotten from Mothers who have purchased a book sends waves of calm over me and has helped me reach an even deeper inner peace.  It is an amazing feeling to share a connection with people from all across the world.  People started telling me how much they admired my strength in coping with Tyler’s death, but this awful heavy tragedy starts to feel, at times, like a rare joy, a special gift. Tyler had touched all these lives, and made all these moments possible.

Tyler Murray

Tyler Murray

My patience with talking to other infant loss parents seems endless.  Knowing we all need others willing to reach out, listen and understand, I trained to be a grief facilitator for Bereaved Families of Ontario to talk to other women who share my same fate.  It has brought me great comfort in reflecting on my own pain and loss, and the larger sense of my life.

Occassionally I get teary-eyed at the sight of a little boy or whenever something around me triggers a memory but I know that Tyler has left his footprints on this world and he will live in my heart forever.

Click here to learn more about I Will Hold You In My Heart Forever 

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  1. Kelly Rogers
    May 30, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    I think I am crying now from seeing all the stars and thinking my Nicky is one of them. I too would like to write a book only with something different. The stars are a very nice and lovely way to remember our babies. Nicky was 35 wks when he died. It was a so called cord accident. I am so glad that I was able to see the cord snaked around his body. I had an autopsy done and I think had I not seen the cord I don’t think I would have been able to come this far. He was healthy in all other respects. It has been 9 years 4 months and 24 days since I last saw my beautiful baby boy. I had him on January 6, 2004.

  2. Joann O'Leary
    May 31, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    I I think the hardest part of finding your new normal is family and friends who want you to be the same person you were. The biggest challenge I have in working with bereaved parents is trying to rely to other people they will never be the same, keep talking about their deceased baby and give them time to find their new normal.

    Tyler lives on with Michelle’s book for other parents! Thanks for doing this.

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